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Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
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I've had this account forever. the name is old, I am older, it's time to move on.
my new name:
thepleatedpoet
This one will stay up, but I won't really be using it. Ph & don't worry, I won't pull one of those "I'll only had you if you leave a comment" or whatever, you will all be my friends once more... slowly but surely.
<3
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Saturday, January 24th, 2004
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Im going to try to stay away from here for a while.
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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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I just joined myspace. you should too. go to myspace.com. Do any of you have it??? YOU REEEEAAALLLYYYY should. yup. you can add me: cpender1@ithaca.edu
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Saturday, January 10th, 2004
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I appologize to those who I acted silly in front of last night. Last night was mad fun. I <3 you guys!
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Thursday, January 8th, 2004
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I really think that I have a problem. Lately I've been so uncomfortable just being by myself. ok. so I don't have plans tonight. I should really just stay in and... do something. like. clean my room. or sleep (which I did until 6:00 this evening and it was awesome. But there's always room for more.) or art. yeah. BUT? I really feel panicked. It's really a sucky feeling. And I used to never care about this. Maybe now it's just because I have really been in the presesnse of at least one other person for more than a week straight. So if anyone wants to hang out. It would be cool.
later.
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So the family is all like oooOOOOooo SCOTT got a 1420 on his SATs.
(figgin smart good test-taking asshole.)
And I was like.
GRR.
BUT THEN. I finally got my grades back from this semester.
All As and one A-, 3.94 GPA.
EAT THAT. SCOTT.
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Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
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realized i haven't written since christmas, thought i'd drop in. I've been playing my guitar a lot and it's kind of dumb because I'm not really progressing all that much as far as learning new chords and what-not, I just keep practicing the same old song that I wrote over and over. And I think that it's just because it's the first thing I've ever done by myself and I want it to be good.... as good as it can be for the moment?
I also realized that I have been terrible at getting back to certain people and that there are so many people that I haven't hung out with. I have a question though... not to be taken sarcastically or uhhh... critically.. at all. But when there is, say, a lapse in a friendship or friendships... and neither party makes an effort to stay in touch, why is it always my fault? Now I'm referring to something/someone completely different. So it's not what you might be thinking. I don't know. I'm retarded. Well I'm home. I promise to take full advantage of that. yes.
I go to Mass next week. Should be fun.
byeee.
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Thursday, December 25th, 2003
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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
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hahaha my jokes rule and you know it.
Coheed and Cambria
Animal Chin
Rilo Kiley
One Fine Day
Last Picked
Yellowcard
Norel
Parting Glance
Eels, (The)
Nada Surf
Dance Hall Crashers
Elliott
Remarkable Rocket, (The)
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Monday, December 22nd, 2003
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The seams rip now
One by one
And…
Here
I
Go.
One more crumpled page
In the diary of an immortal autumn
A fragile form just learning to fly
But already dead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(the ending to a certain poem.)
why does everything that I try to write before it not fit in at all?
I think it's been bothering me for 2 months now. And I just can't get it right... it can't be left as-is.
motherfucking frustration.
I never post my work. but this is driving me nuts and I'm here at the computer. Best be off to bed. NIIIIGHT.
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Today. was good. It consisted of.
hanging out in the lovely East Village for a little while before going to a show at Continental.
(neat venue with really good sound.)
good, cheep food at the Dojo Restaurant.. mmm.......
Too Short Notice. awesome, yay, girl singer=woooo. I bought a CD. Hope it's good, they said it was their old stuff.
LP. great as always, super energetic set today. fun sing-alongs as always.
Scatter the ashes. I feel like Rachel & I were the only ones who liked them. Actually, I thought that they were incredible. A little out of place at this show, but give them some credit for driving all the way up from Tennessee just for this and not even being on tour. CD comes out in March. Me=wooo.
tall-make-up-and-fun-clothes guy from Scatter the Ashes sold me a shirt for $5, told me how to sew it to make it fit me, and gave me 2 pins for free. sweeeet.
ASOB- blaaaahhhhhhh..... hardly even paid attention. talked to new friends Lauren & Eileen. (yaaaayyy).
Streetlight Manifesto. Superduper awesome and fun, wish I had the energy & space to dance.
But it was a looonnng show.
Went to a record shop around the corner & bought 2 blur CDs and a jawbreaker CD. The Great Escape is by far one of the most fun and wonderful albums...ever.
Starbucks=honorable mention for feeding me coffee that I like and helping me come to some sort of middle grounds with it....hm.
Ran into Asia & Keith Louie on the PATH train home.. talked to them & hung out throughout our ride home.
hour-long wait in Newark Penn. Station, terrible croussants.
Who should we run into on the Raritan Valley platform but ALEXANDRA! RANDOM. It totally made my day.
Brief girlie hang-out and catch-up at my house, as well as a scrounging for food.
(disappointment.)
Chilling on the homefront for a while.... realizing that home is boring & I'm restless and WASN'T I supposed to go to the Rustic Mill?
Went to Tim's to make him feel better.
First guitar lesson= C and G chords and my fingertips still hurt because I'm a wimp. but I'm an excited wimp who can't wait for Christmas.
fell asleep watching High Fidelity, a movie that I really like.
soon to be writing poems until I collapse to my pillow.
READY FOR BED.
Tomorrow?
hanging out with: Dad, Alex& Rachel, Sean.
fucking Christmas shopping.
panic.
phew.
nightnight.
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Sunday, December 21st, 2003
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I'm having a headache and a heart attack right now. someone make me smiiiile.
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Four days until my beautiful Charlize comes to me under the tree. Yes, I named her. She will soon be side-kickin with Penny in a total beginners' jam session.
ROCK.
<3.
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Friday, December 19th, 2003
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to all those who were in the concert and/or expected to see me tonight : / I'm super awfully sorry for not making it. I am aaaactually still at school, needing to tend to a bunch more things before I leave. I am not even done packing, and was definitely able to make the decision not to drive home tonight based on the fact that by 5:oo, I still wan't done. And had 2 1/2 hours to make it to Jersey even if I WERE done. Plus there were some other complications involving my missing student account folder that was being searched for by ITS for the past 2 days, that just got recovered this afternoon. I have to deal with that. uuugh. Well, hopefully I'll see most of you soon anyway! Alexandra called me a few times and I heard some of the performance bootlegged via cell phone. Sounded awesome!!!
Coming home tmorrow morning, but only sort of looking forward to it because I'll be home forevre with no job and nothing to do except sit on my lazy butt. (which has its own appeal).
I'll see you all soon!!!!!
<3
Car.
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Monday, December 15th, 2003
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feeling inspired and excited is nice.
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Sunday, December 14th, 2003
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the last thing I needed was to crash my car. why does this week fucking suck. finals.
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Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
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...too much for words now...............
There are so many things that I have realized lately about myself, discovered about myself, and... not discovered about myself.
I've been feeling inadequate and falling short of having any redeeming qualities... or, well, any qualities that make me feel like I have a purpose. Nothing to distinguish me. I fail to pursue any ONE thing that I love, proving laziness and the fact that I'm so uninspired in life. I've realized that while I have various interests and experiences, nothing quite gives me purpose, nothing makes me completely happy. I will always feel like I don't measure up. That I am hardly observant and just sit on my ass while life passes me by. I neglect to look too much deeper than the surface of anything. Hardly ever think before I speak. Can "sort of" do... some things. Feel dumb whenever someone talks about music or movies... "you've never heard of them??!!?" ---seemingly condescending. I feel like such a failure for not fully embracing our culture and learning about music and current events growing up, creating a "childhood" for myself and being able to represent my generation in some sufficient way. I want so much more. I feel like these years I should be learning so much about myself, and so much in general. I'm still shy, like I've been FOREVER, building some wall to people who try to get in and eventually give up because I'm awkward & inconsiderate & not fucking interesting and not worth hanging out with. It's so much easier said than done to just say "be yourself"... especially when you don't know who that is. I just want... something... I just wish I had something... anything about me... that made people think and wonder about me and know that they could talk to me about something specific like "oh Carolyn will know about that...Carolyn will understand that." Maybe more than being "just a nice person??" Which I really am NOT.. as I have also discovered recently, going along with this whole new self-awareness kick. Yeah I'm a fucking asshole. And I feel like I have no reason to live or have any excuse for people to be friends with me. I'm sorry to everyone that I've ever dicked over. I make mistakes... but it seems that that's all I make. And sometimes realize too late. I just want to MOVE. to go in some direction, up down, or sideways, and progress from here. BUILD MYSELF as a person and emerse myself in every single thing that interests me. Be better with people in another way than generously offering my house. How about following up with people. Seeing people that I sort of know at school and talking to them for the mere sake of being conversational & friendly. I feel like I'm doing NOTHING here. I'm doing bad in some classes. I'm not focusing. I'm just existing. I am still in highschool. It's fucking bullshit. I am very very very unhappy right now. I don't know. Sorry I wasted your time if you read this. later.
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Sunday, December 7th, 2003
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that really hurts. why did you do that? how could you do that? what the hell did i do wrong?
I knew something was up a long time ago, but maybe decisions are better made when everyone knows about them? this is absolutely frustrating.
talk to me.
dagh. i forgot that i'm not on your friends list anymore. really.
i'm really speechless.
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Friday, November 28th, 2003
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I am thankful for:
1) you
2) love
3) understanding
4) reunions
5) family
6) rest
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Saturday, November 22nd, 2003
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...me neither.
On another note,
being home seems to be so uplifting, yet sort of... not(?) at the same time. I'm hoping that that'll pass though because my friends don't really get home 'til Tuesday... and a big factor right now is not having anything to do! The football game was last night, though, and it was actually really exciting. Maybe I even discovered some school spirit that I never realized I had. (woo). I loved hearing the band and seeing crazy Denmead and hearing all about the Fantastiks, which I am going to see tonight! I am so excited! So this is the uplifting part. I love coming home to see how much life is changing for my friends still at CHS, and how they are groing, and how the school is changing. Even though my brother has completely stolen my phone line and answering machine, it's sort of neat to be the secretary for when he gets phone calls from giiiiirrrllls (oooOooo). He gets his liscense in a week, too! ahhh, so much going on. I like how being away makes me appreciate it that much more when I come back.
Tomorrow or Monday I'm probably going to go to Philly to see my step-brother Jonathan, who is now on his own and won't be joining us for Thanksgiving. So I'm really excited to see him!
Anyway, like I said, I'm going to the show tonight, so I must prepare.
C-town folks, feel free to drop me a line or an IM!! I'm home allll week!
<3
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